“How to get ready for job-hunting when you are almost older than dirt.”

And so it begins, job-hunting at 68.

I don’t want a full time job. Just something to do part time.  I realize, after 10 months of retirement that I have a lot of free time on my hands.  I want to find a fun job with absolutely positively zero responsibilities,  similar to the job Lester Burnham took at the fast food hamburger joint in the movie American Beauty. I don’t want to flip burgers, but you get my drift.

That being said, I am perspicaciously aware that the majority of hiring managers in job hunting-land are somewhat younger then yours truly. OK, a lot younger. If you were to question these fresh faced (albeit) daunting (to App challenged baby-boomers like myself) millennials, they would swear I was born sometime between the Paleolithic and Paleozoic ages.  In other words, according to them, I look older than Dick Clark … and he’s dead for crying out loud.

There are ways to mentally prepare for the inevitable:”You’re way too old to be on this job interview” look that I will no doubt be confronted with. My personal combative preference is to deny, deny, deny that I remotely look too old to be applying for this job. However, when I look in the mirror, I am pointedly reminded I am wafting into old man status without a road map. And as you can clearly see, dear reader, that statement proves my point. One – the statement doesn’t make sense and two – no one uses a road map any more. Google Maps are de rigueur.

My bad.

Wait, no one says “my bad” anymore either. I’m hopeless.

Having officially entered old man job hunting status (queue up Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture allegro canons), I decided to do what every other slightly eccentric 68-year  man with a little Buddha belly would do to prepare for a job interview: practice sucking in my stomach for long periods of time and applying copious amounts of Walmart wrinkle cream all over my face, hands and arms. It couldn’t hurt. Right?

Perhaps that strategy isn’t quite optimal, so I decided to take an Internet course on: “How to improve your resume writing skills.” I quickly deduced after taking several courses, that they all teach the art of fibbing. According to many reputable and not so reputable firms, its okay to convincingly tell the interviewer something, anything, even if it is not entirely true, as long as you end your statement with a question. For example:

Interviewer: “Did you graduate from college?”

Interviewee “Yes, I graduated from Yale with Obama – why do you ask?”

I also wrote eleven new resumes for any possible job opportunity I may be remotely qualified to apply for be it a writer, teacher or candlestick maker. I actually wrote a resume for: Barefoot Bison Biters in Baltimore just in case an opportunity in Washington state for Baltimore Bison Biters should turn up. Plan ahead I say!

Now onto reality. I will send out resumes. I will eventually get a call back go on an interview. Stay tuned for the results.

Dave the Geezer

PS: I lied about the Bison resume.

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Posted in Geezerville